The stress ball is triggering. Even when I used it in the institution it was in order to avoid crying out (I even bit on it sometimes) because that made them angry. It wasn't a comfort.
Sometimes I see it and I dissociate or panic or am just overcome with the sheer pain of the memories. But I can't throw it out. And sometimes I seek out the pain it brings me. I can't seem to stop it. I don't know why I do it.

I have a small stuffed horse that fits in my hand (sort of like a stress ball) and that fits just in my right pocket that does bring me comfort. A friend gave it to me before I went to the hospital to have my leg amputated (as a result of the torture) so that I would have something to hug when she wasn't there. So I know stress relievers.

But this stupid yellow ball with its stupid smiley face isn't stress relief. It isn't comfort. It hurts.