Bit of catching up to do, last few days have been messy and I needed to step back from posting till I at least had my consultant appointment today.

So, later on Tuesday after trying to contact my t by text for a few hours I was in a panic and spoke to one of the nurse managers... Big mistake. He essentially debunked what my T had said and that in the 3 weeks of me being here, there had been no hints of asprrgers to the staff.

This contradiction triggered a spiral of confusion and then despair and I made another attempt (which was stopped)... But they missed the fact that I had access to sharpe plastic and while they left me to get the doctors I went medi-evil on my arms... 30+ cuts on both which looking at them now I am both shocked that I had it in me in such a short time frame... And that I had that much self hate and apathy to be so excessive.

The nurse I spoke to originally came back in... Saw it and just said 'let's go for a walk outside' which was spot on... We had a long chat and I did calm down.

Ironically my T called me once we got back, reassured me that she believed there was a genuine case of concern and that she thought the nurse was out of order as the form of asprrgers she thinks I have is very easy to miss and that with my heightened anxiety and depression it's not a surprise that those aspects are coming to the foreground.

Next day I had a few wobbles (punching wall fits, impatience with staff and general irritability)... Did an outdoor activity in the afternoon that was going well till we hit a very crowded area and I became hyper sensitive to the noise... Covered my ears and had to sit down to do some calming exercises... Well the occupational therapist was concerned and irrespective of me keeping things together and not flipping out has said I'm not stable enough for further out door trips. Well, felt like a total failure... She said it wasn't my fault but damage was done and I'd ****ed up even though I thought I'd done well.

Asked my T to speak to my consultant before I saw him today (I rationalised with her that it was better he heard her opinions from her rather than second hand from me... Baring in mind I know near to bugger all anyway) which she did.

He took it on board and even said to me that she sounded very experienced and it was something to explore... However, for now he wants to focus fully on what he termed 'chronic' depression and anxiety. He is a bit concerned as he thinks that the hospital setting is not ideal for me but it's catch 22 as he doesn't think it's safe for me to go home either. Reiterated that I can discharge myself anytime I want but it would be against his medical advice... + he has added a medication that he wants to keep a close eye on: not sure of the name right now (edit: just found out its sodium valproate also known as epilim chrono) but it's a mood stabiliser primarily for treating bipolar but in my case is for reducing the sudden surges of calm/lucid - severely depressed, irrational and self harming.

He has also said that he's going to have an argument with the occupational therapists about the trips out as he wants me to do as much activity as possible.