I am sorry that you are struggling right now. sounds to me that you don't have the right pdoc and haven't found the right meds yet to control your moods. I can sense your hopelessness because I have been there. it took me well over two years and a very patient pdoc to find the right meds. I went thru many pdocs, who didn't like me btw because I refused to stay on meds I didn't think were working or I didn't llike the side effects so I went off them. I went thru bout every med there is for bipolar. found a very patient pdoc and together we found the right meds and it changed my life. I haven't cycled for years now. the world is a totally different place when your moods aren't swinging around and that hopelessness is gone. I refused to settle for just kinda working meds. I wanted something that was going to fix me and I found it by being persistent. it wasn't a pleasant few years but it was worth it for what I have now. take care.