I am scared. I was just released from a 19 day hospitalization following a three week psychotic bipolar episode-- my first-- after months of running away from everything because I remembered the end to a dream I had always had and knew now it wasn't a dream.

I left my home in West Virginia on December 31st, 2013 after 2 hours of planning and preparation and by January 4th, 2014 I was in Santa Cruz, California with one of two brothers I had met four days before planning on "taking over" the medical marijuana industry with my baking skills and his access to all the weed I could ever need. Instead I began running trim all over the state and daily risking felonies and jail time. Within 2 months I was homeless and living out of my car. When I finally settled in the weed capital of the world, Humboldt County, California, I started having the dream over and over. Soon, I was what I now know was rapid- cycling.

I went into the hospital after two weeks of searching for a place for my dog to stay and was put on Seroquel and (after demanding it) Cymbalta. I left the hospital in a great mood and returned to Humboldt only to find out that my POC that abandoned me. I stopped taking my meds and took off to Oregon with some travelers planning on finding heroin to overdose on after giving my dog to a hippie in the woods at the Rainbow Gathering (look it up if you are interested). I am very shy however and even my strong desire to die could not make it easy for me to bring up with heroin question with people and I again returned to California and after three days of finding myself sporadically talking to myself I found I was desperate enough to finally contact my family. I went back into the hospital where I finally received the help that I needed and am now returning to my family in Virginia.

I am excited and scared now that I have accepted my mental illness. I am excited because relief is now feasible for me but scared by all the work I havet to do. I know I am not the only person who has experienced this, but I feel so alone. I have no one really except for my family and I really need friends who understand.