Hi fourleaf,

First off, I am sorry to hear about the hardship you are undergoing right now. And please be reassured, no, this is not all your fault. Relationship problems are often not the fault of any one person whether it be an intimate relationship, familial, or between friends. After all, we all have personal strengths and weaknesses and those result in good times and bad times in our lives.

You mentioned a couple of times that you care about your boyfriend and even said you love him. I have a feeling that is mutual since you both seem to gravitate back to each other even after your breakups. If there is love there, that is a good foundation to build upon. It sounds to me that the main problem lies more in the way you both communicate with each other. Rather than using that love to talk peaceably with one another, you both tend to resort to a combative, accusatory dialog that leaves both of you feeling misunderstood and hurt. Is that normal? I would say most relationships experience that at times. In order for a relationship to remain healthy though, such episodes should be minimized. Is it possible to reduce the animosity between you two that has been built up to this point? I don't see why not if you are both willing to put forth the effort to make things work. Your boyfriend has stated that he feels he has OCD. If that's the case, then he needs to get some help for it so it does not damage your relationship. If he truly loves you he should be willing to help himself. I think counseling could provide some great benefits for both of you. If you love each other and want to salvage the relationship, you both have to decide if you are willing to make the effort necessary to effect that by doing what it takes to repair things.

Concerning the late confession about his prior relationship with your best friend... I can imagine that must be very painful for you. The only thing I can say is maybe they both just hoped to spare you that pain and that's why they didn't come forward. That is not meant to justify it, I am just conjecturing. You mentioned that he continually wants you to feel sorry over some past transgressions that he just can't let go of. You might ask him what it is he is really seeking. What does "sorry" mean to him? Oftentimes, we apologize to others on our own terms and expect that should suffice. Sometimes the other person expects something different than what we are offering. Such terms may or may not be unreasonable. You could just ask him to specify EXACTLY what he expects from an apology. Based on his reply, you can make a decision on whether you can pacify him or alternatively, you may have to let him know the limits of what you can give to him. Of course, such a discussion should be take place when you are both calm and willing to be honest with each other without being combative. A counselor would be a great help in mediating these kinds of issues.

Ultimately, you have to assess what is best for you. It could be that leaving the relationship is the best decision. Or you might still be able to find happiness together. It all depends on how much you love each other and what you are both willing to do. The burden is not yours alone nor is it mostly yours so there is no need to unduly blame yourself for the problems in your relationship. No doubt you both have the ability to change and make things work if that is what you really want. Take some time, think things over, and go from there.