This time is killing me!! My boy is away as some of you know, haven't heard from him now in 3 days, and top that with 2 sessions this week with my T that have been freakin excruciating!!!

I once again apologised to my T today for being a huge pain in the a s s! He told me he didn't see it that way. That he saw that I am in pain, and terrified of being hurt again so am protecting myself using the only way I know how.

I just don't want to feel, and I know I need to. He told me that he knows that he can help me, that he wants to, but that I have to let him in.I am just soo afraid to.....it is killing me! So instead I am just all defensive and closed off.

I blurted out..... "What do you think of me? Do you think I am bad? Do you even like me? And depending what you say to that, is there anything I could do or say here that may change how you see me now?" FLIP!!!

After he said he was "choosing to withhold his answer" while he tried to get me to talk about why I needed to know, I tried but it was a mess......I just withdrew even more. I couldn't look at him, couldn't talk....felt soo stuck. It was a nightmare, I just wanted to leave. Eventually, after me not talking for what felt like forever...... he told me "Jane, I care about you, I like you and I want to help you. I see that you feel you have such deep emotional scars that are so ugly that if you show them to anyone, to me, that you will be judged as badly as you have been in your past. ......" And more, but I blanked out and just was fighting back tears, so I can't remember anything.

I'm just in need of some support please, I feel quite overwhelmed and very alone. I don't know what to think about what he said. I don't know how to take the next step, what the next step even is. I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL the emotions and not push them away, how to begin to talk.

How? How do you get past such a strong urge to protect yourself? Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it just me? It can't be right?

I am a bit of a mess, it's a hard time so sorry for taking up so much space here.....and thanks if you do read my next chapter(it's so freakin long).