Hi there. I'm an indian guy and a sophomore in college who just needs help. I don't know if anyone may respond, but that is fine. I just want this the be out for the peace of my mind. As the the title states, I feel as if my dad has a grudge against me. There has been many cases. When i was in middle school and high school, I didn't get to go to visit friends who i knew from school. He would bug me and ask me about their grades and personality, and then compare to me. I kind of understand that. However, anything I tried to do for fun, like play video games, or watch tv, or just fool around or go on the inernet, he would flip out, like ask me why i would waste my time. I know that he's indian whatever, but why do you have to be a jerk. I got As and Bs in school and i did pretty well. Whenever he would come home from work at 6pm, my mom would tell me to turn off anything if I was watching tv or playing xbox. And i would either way if she didnt warn me. Even though i was physically stronger than him, I still had this fear of him. It was like respect by fear. I was beat sometimes when i was a kid, but thats like an indian thing, and i had told my middle school counselor and had cops come, so they stopped after that.

Coming to more modern times, i go to college at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, which is a really good school for engineering. I even got the RPI medalist scholarship, which they give to one student from each high school. I failed Computer Science I in my first semester, causing my GPA to plummet. I would've gotten a 71 instead of an F, but the requirements to pas was that I needed an overall grade to be above a 60, which i had, and that my test average had to be above a 50. My test average ended up being a 48.3 . I just couldnt handle having to handwrite programs on a test about programming. But past this point, after freshman year ended, i was notified i needed to retake Comp Sci I, which i will this coming fall. My dad hates me now for it. I know you may say that 'he's you father and worried about you', but there's a limit to that. Whenever he talks to me, he as this tone of anger, as if he doesnt want to talk to you, but has no choice. I'm relearning my Comp Sci I material on my own, and I'm doing pretty good. But whenever I will be watching anything or reading comics on my phone, he'll say stop 'wasting your time' or 'grow up your doing childish things'. And the one that HURTS THE MOST is if my little brother(he's 9) is near me and wants to see what comic i'm reading on my phone or what game i'm playing, he'll say to me 'Turn that off. You've already ruined your life, don't ruin his'. i just dont know why he does this to me. I dont know why he does this to me. I feel like if he cant cause me physical pain, he can cause me mental pain. And it hard to deal with. I stated to have suicidal thoughts since junior year in high school. Its this mental harassment I keep on thinking about. Weekends are the worst, because he's there all day. My mother seems to understand a little bit, but cant help. I sometimes just talk to myself in a mirror, cry and speak out my anger, and it does help e cool off. And sometimes i'll just talk to my brother about sports or books or games, because he hears and sees the stuff that goes on. I dont want him to feel hurt, but what he does is hug me. And this hurts me too. How am i supposed to act strong in front of him and be the one he can rely on, if i just end of being weak and cry and think about dying.
I'm just turned 19, and yet i cant go out and do what i want. If I have my own money, like birthday money or anything, I cannot buy anything thats 'uneducational'. I wanted pc parts as my birthday gift, because i want to build my own computer and take it to college. It was less than $400. I even sold my ipad to get extra cash for it. I had more than enough for the pc, but i wasnt allowed. He says that i will waste time and play games on it. Because of him, i had left gaming as much and started reading comics when i joined college. Before, I would play video games an hour a day, sometimes a little more. To me, since i couldn't hang out with friends from school, I would play video games with them, like halo or cod. Video games were my escape pod.
but to my dad, they were distractions and he hated them. He was born in india and came from a village, and rose to be able to come to America, so i know he didnt have the things i have. I know that. But i just dont understand why he has to raise me like him. Why cant i be me. why do i have to go through all the bs he gives me for just wanting to be like other kids. And why is he doing the same thing to my brother? He's trying to raise him to be the perfect student. He got A+ in all but math this past grade, but the thing is, he got a solid A in math. But my parents are pissed about that. My mom yelled at him for not getting the A+. My dad, however, was a little less angry, and said you need to get the A+ next time. Whenever i see the things they do to him, it kills me inside. I'm the only one who says its ok to get a A. I try to sneak in some fun, like let him play on my phone. I have given him my xbox and my games, so he gets an hour a day whenever dad isn't near. But i dont want him to live like me. He is a studious kid, probly even better than me, but i want him not to regret his childhood like i do. And i just want to be a bit happier. I dont want this mental pain.