So I'm coming from a totally different place than you but you might be able to relate to this. It was not until I was in recovery that I realized by comparison exactly how bad things were and how sick I was and I never wanted to risk going back to that way of living ever again so I had things as a back up plan.

Should by the way have a trigger icon on this post the red icon with a black x like I have on this one. Unless you are ready to wake up in an ER strapped to your bed and taken involuntary to psych I would try to find a way to beat this even if it means telling your T and going in to voluntary hospitalization....