I'm sorry you are strugglign with this right now. It can be scary to get that far in planning. If it seems more immenant, could you at least call a crisis line or your T to get some help?

I can relate... and HazelGirl put it really well... I sabotage myself because I'm afraid of continually failing again, so I do it on purpose...
Also, the thought of losing a support once I am "better" does come into play once in a while. So far though, the T I had at the moment when that happened was really good about saying she'd still be there as support.