I'll try to squeeze 30 yrs of life in here, I need some advice so if you're willing to read it, thank you!

I've never been diagnosed borderline. I've never even seen a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist. I'm 30 yrs old and I've gone through some terrible times that I won't go into here b/c reading through the forums, I see you've all been there.

I've been this way ever since I can remember, especially with the attachment issues, I always had them ever since I was very little. Then my family picked up and moved me to a new country when I was 12 and that really did a number on me. The pain was unbearable and everyday I thought I would die. I didn't know how but I was sure that the emotional pain would be enough to one day kill me. I never talked about it and my parents never thought there was anything wrong so I never got help.

Things didn't get really super bad until I started going out with my now husband when I was about 19. The crazy really came out and we went through some really intense times... thinking back, I have no idea why he stayed with me. Of course thrown in there were failed friendships, depression and just perpetual emotional pain. Up to this point I had no idea there could be something wrong with me. I chalked it up to being too sensitive or emotional or my mom being moody so then I must be too.

Anyway, thankfully hubby is good at expressing his feelings and even though I felt attacked for so long I started realizing some of the things he said actually made sense. It was me that wasn't making sense, which was nuts and took me years to come to terms with. He kept saying things that made me feel like my feelings (and reactions to those feelings) were wrong or extreme... but how could they be?? that's what I felt, how could they be wrong?? It hurt, it's what I felt! Don't tell me how to feel!

Anyway, I can write a thousand pages about that but I started doing some research online trying to understand what was going on. Are my feelings, actions, thoughts really not normal or inappropriate? Do other people not feel this way? WTH is wrong with me and why does it hurt so bad?? Nothing really made sense, I had some episodes of depression... but that wasn't it, that didn't explain ME.

I eventually came across BPD, and I couldn't believe what I was reading!! Everything made so much sense, it was like reading a book about my life. I never really self harmed, I thought about cutting all the time, but I only did it once. The only thing that stopped me was fear of my parents and/or my bf finding out. I've always been afraid of my parents knowing bad things about me. I never want to disappoint them... it's a huge fear I've always had, ever since I can remember, that's just how I grew up.

Since I was never diagnosed I can't say for sure I'm BPD, but reading about it helped me have a better understanding about myself and more importantly my reactions to certain things (who am I kidding, my overreactions to EVERYTHING!) I started trying to work on controlling my thoughts (for example, not getting angry if the bf said he'd call at 8pm but instead he called at 8:05pm).Of course that was nearly impossible as thoughts would race inside my head a million miles an hour and in those 5 minutes I'd have constructed full stories of why he didn't call and how he forgot about me and how he just didn't care. I hated him for it, we'd have huge fights, I'd cry all the time, and he would think I was insane for going off on him for no reason. This happened all the time.

One time I decided I would tell him I thought I had BPD. Mostly b/c I wanted him to read about it. I wanted him to read and understand that I didn't do stuff on purpose, that I wasn't making stuff up. That I felt these emotions so strongly that I couldn't control my reactions to them, that they were REAL TO ME. That I felt he was hurting me when he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong. I built up enough strength to send him an email... with links and all. I told him I'm sure I have BPD and to read about it. He replied "there's nothing wrong with you". And that was that.

Skip a whole lot of stuff and fastfoward to today, I've changed A LOT. Bf and I got married, I have a job, a house and a young baby. I still have to control my thoughts and my feelings. Relationships with frends are scary and I'm working on it.

Everything SEEMS ok. But I'm terrified! Sometimes I get exhausted... emotionally exhausted. I just can't do it. Like I have been going full steam for so long and I can't handle it anymore. What happens when I explode? What happens when I can't do it anymore? It's like this huge secret, this huge lie... trying to be normal so nobody knows the crazy inside my head. We've been super busy with the house and the baby and this and that... but there are certain things that send my emotions out of whack.

What happens when his friend decides to come visit?? I've always been the absolute worst when his friend is around. Thankfully he lives far away so we see him every few years. I hate him. I hate my husband when he's with him. Even when they're not doing anything wrong. i THINK I have a reason for hating him and feeling the way I do, but I'm not sure anymore. The first time I met him was over 10yrs ago and stuff that happened then is why I feel this way towards him and my husband with him. But I can't remember if I was being rational or not.

Hubby and I have not been communicating very well lately. We're having a bit of a bumpy road with the house and the baby and whatnot. I've tried to fix it (the communication)... but it's not the same. This makes me nervous b/c I might not know if I'm overreacting to certain things or if I'm f'ing things up. Also.. WORK. Work is VERY difficult sometimes. As in... it's difficult to even go to work. I do it.. but then I end up not doing much while I'm there (I'm there now!). I'm afraid one day I simply will NOT BE ABLE TO CONTINUE. It gets really tiring. BUt I keep going b/c otherwise we'd have no house and I want the best for my daughter (also my parents live with us too), but what happens when I just can't anymore?

I've contemplated seeing someone before (therapy). But then I'm doing so well that I think I'm fine. Until I become drained and feel like I can't hold it together anymore. Do you guys think therapy would be appropriate?

Things that deter me from seeing a therapist:

1.Having to discuss it with my husband/my parents. I'm "normal", there's nothing wrong with me. What would I even say? This is one of those things that would be nearly or just plain impossible for me to talk about. I don't know why, but the words just won't come out.

2.Spending money every week or every couple of weeks for a therapist stresses me out. I could use that for a,b, c. I went to yoga for a bit and even acupuncture to relieve stress. I stopped b/c the thought of spending that money stressed me more than just not going. Also the time that I'd spend away from home... not being with my daughter would stress me out too.

3.I don't need it. Do I need it? I've made a lot of progress without any professional help. What's to say I can't continue this way? Maybe I'm not even BPD. Or maybe I was, but I'm "cured". Maybe I can handle whatever is left over on my own. ??

4. Finally, and I just thought of this... we might want to adopt a child later on. I don't want anything to prevent me from doing that. I'm a little paranoid they'll say I'm not fit b/c of this or that.

NOBODY knows about this. Well, that's not true. One of my friends knows about it. She's BPD (and a whole lot of other stuff). She was diagnosed just a little while ago. It then made so much sense why we understood each other so well! Everybody else just thought she was nuts. Anyway, she's gone from bad to worse and couldn't continue working. She's moved out of the country so I only talk to her on occasion, but I never bother her with my issues as hers are much bigger than mine.