in dbt they have this thing 'alternate rebellion' in which you do something (not harmful) that is still against the grain so to speak, but not your target behavior (like SI or whatever you're working on). it feeds that little bit in you that wants to give the world the finger (am i the only one who ever wants to do this... er...)

anyway, i just started doing what i needed to do to be comfortable. sometimes it was defiant like 'i'm going to sit on the floor because i CAAAAN.' and he was always like 'sit wherever...' so then i was like 'i'm going to take the other fancy pants office chair you have in here.' and he was like 'okay, that's what it's there for!' and then i would just fiddle with stuff in his office like his chess pieces or coasters or whatever. i was feeling contentious because i felt trapped and idk. i guess this was me not being rebellious to him, but being rebellious to that inner me that gives me rules all the damn day. effing nutjob. she just sits in there and constantly has me putting every hair in place lest someone notice my less than pristine hairdo. (sorry, i have a weird relationship with my inner self).