I have a question, and a reason to why I have joined this site. I'm really not a blogger, but I can't find the time to reach out to a professional about the problems I've been having. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- I don't even know at this point for over a year. In the beginning he was perfect, sounds cliche but I got out of a relationship where my boyfriend was so insecure with himself it really affected our relationship but I managed to finally get out. I was alone for a year, collecting my thoughts, building myself up again. Then I met my most recent boyfriend, and he came off as a very quiet, funny, reserved, secure and confident man. Then as time went on, I soon realized and began to notice how every thing little bothered him, even events before me and him had met. He would turn the littlest matters into the biggest, and a fight was never a fight. He always fought with me bringing me down, discouraging me, using my past against me, the way I grew up, the location I grew up in, my attitude, my family, my childhood, and everything else. I can't deny, I do have a temper, I do have an attitude, but I truly believe I'm very reasonable. Of course being human I will act out of character but I am never in denial with myself and if I'm proven wrong, I have no problem fixing my mistakes. I recently found out my boyfriend and a girl who I thought was my bestfriend, they had sex before me and my boyfriend got serious, and throughout our relationship I had always questioned that factor and they both denied it. Until about 3 weeks ago when once again my boyfriend was breaking up with me and he spilled the beans. I was so hurt, I felt so foolish and so betrayed, but I felt more betrayed by my girlfriend considering I trusted her with my life and I always thought it was likewise. So I forgave him of course, with him promising me he would help me heal and give it time.. but any little minor event after that he used everything against me. He calls me names, he brings me down to the point I feel worthless. I wanted to just end my life because he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I know it sounds cliche once again, but in my defense, I feel like I try so hard to make it work, I accommodate it all to him, and still we fail. Though he's the one that makes me feel worthless, everytime I try to express myself he takes it the wrong way and ends up breaking up with me saying I'm the reason to the closure, and I ruined his life. I'm not loyal, I'm a liar, I'm this I'm that. I know I'm not perfect and I have told white lies because he had threatened me numerous times if this and that happened, then he'd end it with me so the fear of losing him I had told white lies. But those white lies were never ones to hurt him if or when he found out. I'm struggling because at this point we are over again. Whenever he comes back into my life he's always so genuinely sorry and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel like I want it again, and after all I do love him. Here and there slightly he's mentioned him having OCD and his behaviours with certain things definitely does make sense, but I am not an expert to put that label on him. I don't know what to think I don't know what to do. I just need to know if I really am the problem... I don't know why no matter how hard genuinely I try it's not working. Countless times he'll mention the same thing over and over as if we never talked about it, or fought about it, and his excuse is he wants me to be sorry, but how many times do I need to be sorry in 1 day over the same thing? How many times do I need to be sorry for what happened 1 year ago? What about his sorrys that he caused me lying to me for a year and me finding out he had sex with my bestfriend. Please help me find a comfort in not being in this relationship anymore because as much as I am miserable I do love him, but I need to know this is not a normal relationship. Its hard to tell myself that over and over. the message doesn't get through to me. Please respond, please help me. He'll go from I'm sorry I love you so much, you're the best thing in the world for me I can't live without you, to a couple hours later, after no incident happening "you don't deserve me, I can do better, your so bold, I had so many red flags with you, I should've never been with you, you make me miss my ex, you're the biggest regret, you ruined my life" then couple hours later he'll contact me crying saying all he needed was me to show him I care, and that I'm sorry for my past mistakes, and he goes through so much to explain to me what he needs for this to work, so I do so, and when I'm showing him my love and care, he turns the table saying "stop being so hopeful, it makes me feel bad you still want this when I'm hopeless. I feel like I can do better than you, I don't want to see you so hopeful" more than us not working out, or me blaming anyone, I'm beginning to believe he may have a personality disorder. or OCD, or anything. Then of course being around that 365 days out the year, I DO feel guilt with everything he's been so angry with me about. Our last conversation which was a week ago ended with "I can do better than you and when I do, ur going to wish u tried harder to keep me." then he ignored me. Mind you not, 1 day prior to that he had told me he cannot live without me, and he sees the good in me and he believes im good and doesn't wana let his insecurities or assumptions break us, and that he feels he's not good enough for me. Then 2 hours later he went on a rant of how much of a liar I am and started bringing up all the old arguments again... I just feel like I really was the problem, I really did bring the bad out of him... why did he leave me when I was the one to be strong enough to stick by his side.. was he just repulsed by me? was I really in this all alone this whole time..