i grew up where i had to say goodbye. a lot. because of the nature of the moving that we did, it felt a lot like i had entire communities just disappear. it was a sort of death. except there were no memorials. no mourning. just me. we did it so frequently that i became afraid to need anyone. this was before the internet, back when the only way to talk to someone internationally was to pay for a very expensive phone card. it devastated me. i learned very early about that kind of pain. plus since i was always the new kid, i got bullied (full on at least once with a girl that liked to punch me).

now i have lost some part of me. idk. think of an old phone charger. i've had one's grow worn and so you're jiggling them and trying to place them just right so they'll charge because the wires are all wonky. i guess that's me. an old charger that struggles to make connections.

i don't want to need someone more than they need me. trusting people means they will use that information against you.

so often times i think i'll just stop therapy one day. disappear. goodbyes only hurt anyway and then it'll be on my terms.