Not entirely sure what happened but he was beaten outside of the hospital. He's back in the ward today which is kind of a pain in the arse... Not because of any dislike for him but because he's on level 1 observation which means a member of staff has to be in sight contact with him at all times.

He's in the bed next to me and as such it's added to my irritation as well, I'm in the bed next to him so the staff member can hear anything I'm doing which includes cutting which happened this morning. Was feeling very numb, empty and just in one of those general irrational states I get into.

Had my room raided and they found some of my utensils. Had a chat with one of the nurses and explained its a coping mechanism that reduces suicidal thoughts. He got that but flipped it (logical, I do understand) that they are responsible and held accountable for anything that goes wrong and were I to cut too deep (and one is a bit) and it was a serious injury how would it look them saying "well it was his coping mechanism"?

Couldn't exactly argue with the logic... But my depression deepened and I somehow convinced one of the nurses to let me have an unescorted walk which led to further cutting but outside.

By the afternoon I was starting to feel a bit better... My mum was coming down to visit and I was doing what I could to calm myself and prepare. About 10 mins before after a quick wash I asked one of the support workers for my deodorant (toiletries are locked away)... Not sure what possessed her to say it but she brought up the cutting and in a condescending tone said "we thought you were doing well, what is your wife going to think when she sees them?"

I replied at that time that what had happened in the morning was a different mind set to how I felt now... Which is true, I flip from calm/lucid - depressed/self-destruct and with hope the meds would balance me out.

Went back to my bed though and realised how angry I actually was... Returned and said that though I got her attempt to 'shame' me into thinking, I wish it was that ****ing simple and how dare she throw judgements at me that had no basis to my condition. My shouting Drew the attention of one of the nurses who asked what was wrong... Well for what ever reason I punched the wall and screamed that I was sick of this place. Split my knuckle bad and blood was pouring all over my hand. She took me to the quiet room and I burst into tears.

Explained what happened and she advised that she would have a word as it was unprofessional to trigger me off that way.

I said that I didn't want to see my mum now as I was in no state for it... She calmed me down, took me to the med room, cleaned up my hand and the cuts on my arms and told me to take a few minutes to use some grounding exercises while she went and talked to my mum.

Long story short, I ended up spending time with my mum and went for some walks. Later I cleared the air with the support worker and we both apologised.

Am probably going to lose my unescorted walks, but that's probably for the best.