(((Breadfish))),

The reason you have it but it bothers you is because it is a symbol of a bad experience. Anything can become a symbol of a bad experience that someone with PTSD tries to avoid or finds discomfort in.

I have this challenge myself and it is so damn deep beyond my conscious awareness. My trauma happened with my horses/ponies and on my farm. I have so many triggers when I go out there even though I don't consciously want that to happen. In the room I am sitting in typing this I have a mess of so many files from my Law suit case and the veterinary records and it is a mess and I can't seem to go and straighten it out or organize it. My brain reacts very strangely and I don't even know how to verbalize it. That is so not like me either because normally I am a very organized person. It has to be there "just in case" but for me to go near it now is something I struggle with so much that makes my frontal lobe tingle or sometimes really hurt and/or shut down somehow and I disassociate, but the odd thing is, I disassociate and I am not consciously aware I am disassociating, it is weird and very confusing.

I think that yellow or orange ball is part of your evidence to the event that you seem to need to show people, but it is also a part of the injury that your brain still struggles with in a sort of disbelief too. Even now, how could a small ball still cause injury to you and how do you get past that? Also, part of you wants to have it so you "can" squeeze it if you want because before it was often kept out of your reach. So you have this deep challenge going on of needing to know it is there "if you want it", yet it is a reminder of a bad injury too. I have that going on myself so I understand the challenge.

(((Understanding Hugs)))
OE