I have intrusive thoughts about suicide, too. Only for me is that I tend to act on them, or at least partially. For me it's somewhat visual, and somewhat like an inner guidance compelling me to start taking steps to suicide. Stress is usually a factor here. When I handle my stress and anxiety better, these episodes happen with much less frequency. But it's tough. I'm sorry you have these thoughts too. It's good to remember that thoughts alone can't kill you, as disturbing as they might be. If you don't want to die, you don't have to.