I'm struggling to post here. That's probably bad. It certainly proves the theory about keeping suicide in my back pocket. I think it lingers there all the time. And right now, depression is slowly swallowing me again. I can feel it. The only way I can really describe it is... as this black cloud that swallows my brain whole, until it's the only thing that matters. And when I'm there... well, suicidal ideation starts to take over. I can't help but wonder... if such a pledge would really make a difference... if I reached the low I had reached in November. I don't think it would have.

Nevertheless, I like this idea. At the very least, it might help me think about something else. Something other than the thoughts I tend to have. As it stands, right now, I find that both of my back pockets are occupied constantly - one with suicide, one with my eating disorder. And in the back of my mind, I consider these... safe to fall onto if I feel I 'need' to. 'Need' to. Why would anyone need something so destructive and devastating? Depression is strange like that. Logic has no place in it sometimes...

But I don't want either in my back pocket. I don't. So, I'll take the pledge for the next 24 hours.