Hi guys, I'd like to have another man's opinion about a relationship with a girl. But, first I have to explain where I'm coming from though, because I realize now my childhood has had a major effect on my adult life now, many years later. I apologize for the long posting, but I think all of this should be relevant, I guess, I don't know.

OK, so where do I begin? I was a pretty abnormal child growing up, had no siblings and spent much time alone during pre-school age. There were other children at my house sometimes but I never really connected with any of them. But, I was never a problem child, just very easy to raise (according to my mom) because I just never stepped out of line or she never had reason to do anything, I also never ever shouted, screamed, made a noise, ran around or anything like that. Later on in my life, thinking back to that time, I always found that strange, abnormal even, considering how almost all other children that I have seen had some degree of loudness, or naughtiness about them, but not in a bad way, just in a natural "kids being kids" type of way. Anyway, all my problems started when I went to school, because for the first time I had to share my space and interact with other children. I was always a slow learner for some reason, and by the time I went to school, I still couldn't dress myself or tie my own shoes, because those things used to confuse the hell out of me for some reason. Consequently, children mocked and bullied me, and as time went on, my natural lag behind others was always a source of much entertainment for the other children. Time went on and I remember that I always formed relationships with older people, my parents' age, rather than other children. People were frustrated with me, because they didn't want a child around them when they want to discuss stuff.

Fast forward a few years. Things at home were OK, but my dad was an alcoholic and my mom used to bear the brunt of these things, even long before I was born. They argued and actually viciously fought constantly. I think my mom had menopause too at this stage of my life also, I don't know, we also began fighting sometimes, but I think she just felt isolated in a house with men. I always just retreated to my room and into my own little world. Then it got worse. A teacher at school began bullying me. That was a year of hell for me and at this point my mind became blank for the next two years of my life. I don't remember much from that time, just my parents' marriage got worse, school still was terrible. I do remember my dad saying "don't worry, your mom and I aren't getting a divorce, we'll stay together for your sake" whatever that meant. Anyway, when I finally "woke up" out of that blank zone, my whole life had changed. I don't even know how it happened but I was fat. Maybe I never realized it, but my isolation from other kids at school perhaps prevented me from playing sports with them, I don't know. But, now my life was even more awkward than before, I had a new problem to be concious of. Things went on, I went to high school, and surprisingly I developed well academically, ending top of the class at the end of high school, with academic colours a few times. During this time of course, I did begin to like girls but I never had a girlfriend and just avoided it all together. I then went on and studied at university, and for the first time I loved being in a learning environment. It was nothing like school at all, no bullies, no laughing and mocking, just independent young people doing their own thing, and needless to say I loved it. I finished my degree and then enrolled for another, an honours degree.

And, that's where it happened. I met HER. A lovely, amazing young girl, with a heart and hair of gold, just so beautiful, kind, gentle, cute, and surprisingly quiet too. She was unlike all those others before, no *****y "attitude", no "I'm hot stuff" kind of attitude at all. Man, I fell in love. Just everything about her was so great. I knew an amazing girl like this only comes by once in a lifetime. I knew she was the one, hell, she still is. If she was mine I would marry her today. We had a great friendship going, but I was shy. I was never good with people, especially girls. And then, that's where my past came back to haunt me. You see, I knew, she would never look at me twice in "that way". I was fat, unsociable, a "nerd". Needless to say, it wasn't long before she hooked up with the class clown joker guy, that always-single guy, 5 years older than everyone else who likes the young girls, yeah him. Isn't it funny? There's always a guy like that around! Yeah, they went out, he used her. Uhh... we finished our course, she left with him back to another city where she comes from originally, he followed. I heard later they broke up, he was done for DUI and she had to bail him, etc... My heart was broken. I knew guys like him, what they were about, I knew he was going to hurt her, all I could do is nothing. I still cry when I think about it, it hurts me so much to now this amazing girl was being hurt. Yeah, we lost contact, but one day I decided I was going to do it, I was going to tell her that I loved her...but my courage failed me. At this point I was 23, still a virgin. I waited my whole life for a girl like that, and I wanted her to be my first and only, my wife and my true love. But, that was now screwed. Everything started dismantling automatically in my life, no effort on my part. It wasn't long, I knew it was coming, I fell into a new life of emptiness and no care in the world. I now needed to find a "new" girlfriend, a new love. Phah, like that was gonna happen. It wasn't long, my desire began eating me up, and I had some spare cash, so...I "met" with an escort. She said she was 38, but she was more like late 40's. She took my virginity, right there. Ah, it felt s----t. I didn't know sex felt so boring. Oh, but shame, all credit to her, I mean she tried her best she was so passionate, but it still sucked big time. But, like everything else, it became an addiction. I knew it couldn't feel so boring with everyone, so I went out more, seeking others, more prostitutes, young, old, blonde, brunette, you name it. I lost track of the number of women I slept with. I must have wasted the equivalent of 1000's of dollars on sex. OK, to my credit, I did try a lot of online dating before I broke my virginity though, but let's face it, that's just a ripoff scheme. Those women never answer you, I doubt the profiles are even real.

O man, I was in a deep whole now! After a year without my true love (we did chat over the phone now and then, but that to me is not the same as seeing her), I decided to write her a love letter. Somehow, I knew I was going to fail before I even sent it. Yip, a few days later, after copious apologies on my part, she told me that it was just so surprising, and shocking, she never expected it. Of course not, what was I thinking? Sending her that thing a year later. That was two years ago, I haven't heard from her since. I slept with more women, met some nice one's actually who liked me very much (they still do), but that's not the point, I don't want them. After all this I realised I was a sex addict now too. A guy who kept his virginity until 23 was now a sex addict! Everything is f*cked up, yes there's no other way of saying it. I went to a psychologist and they diagnosed me with autism spectrum disorder high functioning (Asperger's). That explains my lack of social abilities my whole life and my abnormal childhood, but argh, what's the point of finding this out now? So, they're basically telling me I'll never have that girl I wanted because I just suck, period. Now I have proof that I genuinely suck!

So, now I am here, today, at 25 years old. I hate my life. Even if my true love came back, and said all she needed was time, it wouldn't make a difference to me now anymore, the damage is done. She'll never have me, after knowing all of this.

So, I guess that is my question. If the miracle should ever happen that she contacts me again and maybe even suggests a relationship (I know, I know, it'll never happen), should we go ahead and get together? I mean there's so much to consider now. I've slept with so many women. Maybe she is even married or a mom already (I don't know, we don't have contact anymore), children with another guy and the marriage didn't work out. Maybe after being hurt she finally wants to give me a chance one day in our 30's? Will I even live that long with my poor health? Does it even matter? We'll both be different people by then, both just so damaged perhaps. I have Asperger's which means a marriage with me will be extremely difficult for her to handle too. If we have children, she'll raise them basically on her own, as I'll stay a big child myself until I die. Should a guy get married to a woman that is divorced? Or has children already? Then again, what am I worried about? It's not like she'll ever phone me again anyway. I pretty much f*cked it up with my stupid love letter.

Guys, I'm just lost. No point to life anymore.