Well I have taken my time posting here only a couple of times, but I feel more at home joining up with you survivors. I am a survivor. My old PDOC (Dr. King was my PDOC from March 2005 until Dec 2006 when she suddenly decided to take a sabbatical) said I should be amazed, proud and awed that I have survived as long as I have. By all statistics, I should be dead, in jail or under a bridge somewhere.

I will share my story over time, I am just getting my feet back under me from a rocky time at another site, one which left my two years of time with Dr. King basically invalidated, my inner beings (my Bears) are in disarray, and I feel hollow and alone.

I am actually trying to get sent to the PWARD here. I talked briefly with my wife of nearly 29 years (this July). She is not comfortable with my mental illness, it is something she knows about, has known of my past sexual abuse, mental and physical torture as a child but cannot deal with it so asks not to be included in talking about it. I don't like not having her "there for me" in this important part of me, but I respect that she admits to feeling overwhelmed, and unable to deal with it. It makes it hard. Last night I told her I wanted an appointment with the family doctor to try and arrange for a placement back in care. She simply said Oh. In that single word, I could see her hurt, her shame in me, and feel her already trying to figure out who would walk the dog while she is at work etc...

Talk about screwed up, worrying over who would walk the dog almost kept me up half the night... It almost convinced me not to seek help, until I realized I was procrastinating. I need professional help, therapy, and maybe a change in drug regimen to get out of this funk. I feel so hollow, so useless and so damned tired. Many of the people in this thread know me, and therefore I won't go into my ailments, just be aware that I have a laundry list of drugs I take to simply stay alive, top of which is Insulin, and then since last Dec I have been in major pain with torn shoulder muscles, so I am taking Percecet daily, sometimes twice a day just to cope.

Anyway, I try to keep on going. I have a lot to share, but honestly I am not sure I can do it all over again. Maybe...maybe like some people have suggested there is a book in me trying to come out. I can say one thing, and it is not calculated to upset women, but is a statement of fact: Men have a 100% harder time with the mental health system than women! Dr. King was a perfect example. She was not even going to take me seriously at first, because in her history with male patients they rarely follow up, don't take the medications properly, expect a miracle cure, and will not do the homework for therapy. In the end she thanked me for showing her that her assumptions where wrong. She said though that not only was her opinion typical, the entire mental health system seems geared to women. In doing Therapy homework and discussion with her (I don't do groups or social stuff well, I am not a nice person, and don't play well with others), we often laughed at the 'female' bias of the pages. Pampering oneself for instance was to take a fragrant bath, or buy something slinky and sexy, etc... Sorry gals that just ain't pampering in my book LOL (maybe for some he/she kinds of men). So we would laugh and say "insert male counterparts here".

The fact is I have was referred by Dr. King in December for ongoing care...I have not even received a call. In January my Family Doctor also referred me to the local Mental Health organization, and I have not received a call. I have called the COAST (crisis line) twice, and basically been told I seem to be functioning and 'there is no room at the inn for me'. Maybe if I took a machine gun and went to city hall they would all lament "why didn't he seek mental help"?

Anyway, this has been too long an introduction as it is. I think rather than post in my own thread I shall with Chocolatelover's permission use this thread to post my musings and thoughts as they come to me. If people are uneasy with that say so and I shall move on. I don't want to cause problems (I am always accused of doing just that).