I am so disappointed in myself right now. I feel so guilty. When I said I had accepted my bipolar, I think I really convinced myself that I had. I have come to realize that I have not. I acknowledge that I have the disease but I have not accepted it. I think acceptance will come with time. Like every other project in my life, I attacked this new problem like it was a 25-page presentation "Bring it on!"

How brazen and foolish of me. The whole quitting alcohol cold turkey...well last night, after tossing and turning for hours, I finallly gave and walked five blocks to the liquor store, bought three bottles of Lexia and walked back home. I drank a whole bottle last night. I guess my ativan stopped working. I just couldn't turn off the racing thoughts. I took a bath, watched a movie..nothing worked. so I drank. Sweet Mother! It was like soft clouds over me. I felt relaxed and even managed to finish the book "an unquiet mind" by Kay Jamison Redfield.

So this morning, I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. Now I know that I tried too hard to have normalcy. I have just learned normal does not come easy. I gotta fight for it every damn day...and probably fail from time to time.

Well, thanks to you all for allowing me to vent. I love you my fellow bipolaroids! (I like that word).