I have had the worst 3 and a half years of my life. It has been a constant struggle for money. I have no family. My depression worsened and I ended up in the hospital for the first time. I have been alone most of the time. I found an online support group (a famous one) where there was some stalking going on and the administration is part of it and I just left there. I feel lost and betrayed. The FBI is involved in that but I got cut out of that group because I knew what was going on (NO, I am not a paranoid schizophrenic LOL!). This is truly happening right now. So I am feeling very lost. I had some extra money and what usually takes me from 1 to 2 weeks to get a just get by job is not in its 6th month! I am so very worried I don' t know what to do. I keep telling myself it will be ok but I am terrified. What happens if I have no money? !!! My most beloved and cherished dog died. His name was Beau. He died of old age on 6/10/2005. I have never loved anything or anyone as I have loved Beau. I dream of just touching his face. Some believe that dogs, with their short lives, come back to us sometimes. OH GOD please let Beau come back to me. Some people understand the depth of my love and pain for my dog. They have loved their animals like this too. Before I had Beau I would have thought this eccentric or strange. But, I simply loved this dog with all of my heart and I cannot get over him. I will never get over him. He is a part of me. The most precious part of me I have ever known. I have such a longing to be with him again. No I would not hurt myself. I got 2 different dogs and each time it was a disaster. Like it wasn't meant to be.

Now we come to God. Where has he been? Why have I had to go through so very much pain and hardship in such a short period of time? I feel like it will never end? I am actually a professional who cannot get a job in my own field. Where is God? Where is he??? Please don't tell me he has been there all along. That will simply make me even madder at him. I want to know why he has not helped me out of this hell? Why does he just sit and watch?