...even my mouth is familiar with words... there is a direct connection from my heart and my toe nails, and all emotional events seem to arrive somewhere exactly between my terrified nose and my tightly shut eyes!

this time I remember the words but they seemed to drift!... not vanish, but drift and immediately get seriously bunched up with some others that might have even been good for me but I am too busy trying to remember the first words...

and all this is frightening because what I thought or believed were the first words?..

well they probably were not in all likelihood "no freaking way"

...so I will try again!...
haha...screwed up already... I was already beyond the point I was going to make before I even suggested that I was going to make one!

hmmm...lets see if I can trick myself into making some sense?

...trying

ok shhh!... don't dare wake up the sicko...he will ruin everything, trust me!...
I know this he ruins everything...(poor shlum!)

just check again to make sure...
(waky waky)...zzzz

cool!

right then!...now I might get to regard my world un-interrupted by sleep shlum

...there is a precise moment when the head is aligned with the body and the world...(and I can only notice this alone)...(that's why I conveniently ditched my idiot)...

like I was saying.... this alignment has possibilities and availabilities...

the availabilities 'are' the possibilities...

and the first one I found ?... I stopped searching for others

and something noisy shlum could never find...and something noisy chaotic suicidal schlum would never recognise...

...that when the sound was turned down. that eternal dis- freaking harmony...

that awful mind blowing racket deep inside me and all outside me!...

that when the silence arrived!...

I was able to sympathise with myself...
now this is unbearable when poor damaged schlum is telling me what to do...

because apparently "I DON'T MATTER"...

and not mattering has been an essential formula to my survival!... which ironically has delivered me much faster into the unlife...

and being at the mercy of my damaged mis-understood self...( who is not a shlum anymore)... but a damaged emotional fury....

it's almost easy for me to see my personal injuries!

...and this is where the empathy might kick in or might not!

ok....(shlum still asleep!...cool)

...when I, ( and I have over and over )... when I see another person in an exact or similar space as me?... I break apart immediately... I re-collect my pieces just as fast.... and run falling over...to assist them...

the most danger with this illness is that I need to be dragged screaming to come to my aid....

that's why I don't want to wake schlum...cause all he does is hurt....

he eats hurt like soup....anguish needs no teeth...

to somehow depart or separate from my own enemy?

it's impossible apart from death...and I dis-believe that's the end of it!

to detach but remain connected?...

I must sympathise with myself...

only this way can I begin to comfort myself....

only this way I can begin to be free...

my 'bad side'...it is real, it is nasty and it is complete..

my good side is cool, a bit ok... but it is incomplete.

my good side seriously rejects my bad side... and yet my bad side continues to exist purely because my good side hates it!

meanwhile my bad side cares none ...as long as I am it

and what scares me is that I can switch...

the disillusion is that one is better than the other?

the good hates the bad and the bad does not give a damn!...

something has got to give besides death or near death...

and a desperate heart will find a way....

an emotional burn-out mentally disfigured human can hopefully close the personal gap and link the unbearable with the exact same.

I don't want to die because I hate myself
I don't want to survive like this...like I have to shut my own self out of my life...

I want to trust that I can cope with what I have lived and seen so far

...most of all?... I don't want to be afraid of myself....

I want to connect with this human nightmare that I pretend is not there...

...ok, that's enough from me

I have a battle to deal with...

bad side woke up