Hi, everyone
I'm not sure this is the right place to post, but the fact is, I have a personality problem. Which is, I am too diplomatic and avoidant and flexible, to the point I don't know who I really am-I've ended up defining myself only from the things I can do (artist, scientist, gamer e.t.c.)

It started years ago: I had social phobia and maladaptive daydreaming. I spent about 10 years in my own little world (I'm 27 now). After admitting I had a problem, I fought it and got out (at my 24). BUT-this doesn't mean I suddenly knew how to socialize, so I had to fake it. So I started (1) speaking as I thought others would, (2) mimicking actions I didn't 100% agree with just to connect, and (3) to avoid conflict at all costs, even at things 100% against my ideals. I thought I'd become stronger by time, that it'd pass, but it became my second nature. I always were the diplomatic type (the "good kid" ) but before it all started I weren't afraid of speaking my mind, or even fight, if diplomacy failed. I weren't a fan of following the norm either. I know who I am by myself, I'm calm and creative and always find ways to have fun. Also silly and annoying sometimes. But ONLY when I'm by myself. With others... It looks like all my progress is not being afraid to go out and chat, and to not get lost in thought every 2 minutes (which were big steps for me, but it's been 3+ yrs).

I've tried being more spontaneous, more free, more sincere, but the most I achieved was whining or distancing myself. The "just do it" thing doesn't seem to work (it never worked for me, actually-I always had to find the reason things work in a way) When I think "I just gotta be myself", I'm taken over by a need to make a backpack and go on a solitary self-searching trip. But I've had enough self-searching years, and I'm too busy fighting for survival to run off somewhere. What I need is to figure out what's that block in me that doesn't let me to fully accept myself, my worth, and the resolve to defend my dreams and beliefs. Any thoughts may help.