It is indeed, but not practical for coping with real life. I need to be able to build up my stamina and defences again that have been severely strained of late.

I have for as long as I remember struggled with over stimulous but I was still able to function and keep my mask up for longer before I got tired or prone to the fight/flight response.

Today has been bad (again... Bloody running theme) and I didn't help myself due to using one of my many masks and a bit of intelligence. Yesterday was very poor as I've mentioned and as such I was not allowed unescorted walks... Was triggered this morning by another member of staff (was meant kindly but re-inforced my feeling of being alone and worthless)... I wanted out and set into plan that I would get to town again and work out what to do when I got there (not strictly true, had researched a method but in accordance to board rules I'm not going to elaborate).

Therefore, I acted as normal as possible and gave the impression I was of stable mind and character... Much in the way I would at work through necessity to cover up inner turmoil. Well... It worked.

I feel bad now that I duped the staff on duty but I was desperate and determined.

Obviously by posting this I didn't go through with it to conclusion and staff did intervene when I didn't return.

Once back at the hospital I had a chat with the nurse who reiterated the importance of talking but I am struggling hard to do so at the moment... My anxiety is down and my depression is high and that leaves me feeling solitary and very alone.

My wife came later in the day and once she found out (not from me, I was pretty sullen and despondent) she went out and told them that the unescorted walks were a terrible idea right now, that once I withdraw and set my mind to something, I can be very unpredictable and poker faced with my true feelings.

They have come down quite hard on me over it... I am only allowed escorted walks with a male member of staff and that was after a compromise argument... They weren't going to let me out at all at first.

All probably seems very childish on my part but my mind takes me to strange places.

This evening has been better again and feeling alright. I am however dreading Wednesday - got a urology appointment where there will be examing why I can't urinate without a catheta and that's going to involve a camera going up a place that a camera should never have to go.

Worried about the outcome... Really worried about the potential of (if not immediately) the need for long term use of wearing a catheta with bag on a long term/perm basis and as an active walker/cyclist that would be soul destroying.