I've read through everyone's responses a few times. Thank you. I had to look up the meaning of the phrase "grist for the mill" ... though I'm sure I heard it before and at one time knew what it meant. (When I looked up the meaning it basically says: everything can be made useful.)

Once again I find myself split down the middle and I'm astonished how my "Logical" mind feels so separate from my "Emotional" mind. And the logical mind is on one side of the door, pushing to get through, and the emotional mind is on the opposite side of the door also pushing to get through. So with both sides pushing...and working against each other it seems...I am going nowhere.

It feels logical that these feelings regarding my therapist, working through them and accepting that this "troubling need for love" should not be seen as "troubling" but as something less troubling *is* the therapy. (That is as far as my mind allows me to go right now..."troubling need for love" to "less troubling need for love"...but you get my meaning.)

But while that is what it feels logically -- emotionally I just freeze up, shut down. I can talk myself up and try to get enough courage and resolutely know what and how I need to speak about this in therapy. But when I'm physically, literally sitting down with her it feels like I'm spinning around on one of those playground roundabouts (or merry-go-round things). I get disoriented and nauseous in the stomach and my courage slips out of my finger and toes. I can feel them tingling and aching my knuckles...and I try to remind myself to breath (as I've been told so many times) but because I am aware I'm not breathing properly I realize that something is "wrong" to make me not breathing properly and then that makes it ever harder to breath and hard to focus on what I need to say and do....and I can't speak it.

Usually that is when I just write everything out and give it to her. But I can't do that forever. I doubt if I were to ever, god forbid, go on date...I can't stay silent and have a pad of paper and write things out and give it to the woman sitting near me.

Currently, I'm on planned break from therapy. Though Judy was somewhat "mixed" on me going on this break for fear I may regress or may end up dead. But thus far I think I'm okay. I might be regressing some, however, because I feel like emotionally I'm becoming complacent. (This is despite what my logical mind writes out here about my "transference" issues). I'm just getting used to being alone again and thinking, "what is the point of going back to therapy again? I am alone and have no relationships, but I've done it so long that I'm used to it. It is what I know and what is familar and safe...and I can't see it hurting me or anyone else. "