Hi everyone.

I might belong here. I don't have DID-- as far as I know-- but I do dissociate. I wasn't aware of this until last week. I was in a therapy session, talking about some things that are rather hard for me to verbalize or think about, and my therapist asked if I was "still with her". I told her that of course I was still here, where else would I be? She asked me if things were kind of hazy. I just didn't reply, and finished the session. The next session, she started off by talking about dissociation. And I realized, that yes, I do dissociate. I didn't say anything, though. So, today's session, she talked, and I talked about dissociation. But what I realized, and didn't say, is that I think I am always slightly dissociated. It's like there is a room in my head, and that's where *i* live. I stay as disconnected from my body and my feelings and even certain thoughts and memories as I can. But, this room has a glass door. So, that's normally what things are like. I can still function, appear normal, manage my life, even fool my therapist. But, if I get anxious, or something upsets me, I have curtains I can pull over the glass door. This is when I feel very hazy, and very numbed out. And lastly, if things get too scary, there is a closet in this room and that is where I can run and hide. That's when everything is blocked out.

I'm afraid that this sounds crazy. I feel like its crazy. The worst thing is, I don't even remember a time where I didn't feel like this. I honestly thought this is just what people feel like. I didn't know that people actually feel emotions in their bodies. I don't. I never have, as far as I can remember. I started therapy again, after years of not being in therapy, and after going through over a dozen shrinks when I was younger without ever getting over anything that has happened in my life or without being "fixed". I thought it was time. For whatever reason, I felt like it was time to work through all my stuff. I got really lucky with a therapist I actually like, connect with, and feel safe talking to. So I have been doing more work in therapy than I have ever done before. So do Iexplain this to my therapist? And how do I explain it without sounding insane? I'm not sure I want to even try explaining. It seems like a big deal.