When I broke up with my abusive ex of 5 years, it was definitely not because I didn't love him anymore.

It was because I knew he wasn't good for me, because I knew he wasn't good to me.
Most of all though, it was definitely because I owed my daughter better choices than the ones I made for myself thus far. He wasn't good for her, and that was what made me finally walk away for good and not get reeled back in.

Walking away from him didn't switch off my love, there was no switch, I had to grieve our relationship just like I would have had to grieve a healthy one.

Just because he turned out to be an azzhole didn't mean the relationship suddenly meant nothing to me, didn't erase the plans, hopes and shattered dreams I had for a future with him. Didn't erase the good times I shared with him either.

He played a HUGE role in my life for a significant amount of time, a loss is a loss is a loss... even if he's wrapped in a shytti abusive bow. Its still something missing, an integral part of your life that's suddenly missing.

So yes, I mourned the death of our relationship for months, even with him stalking me and threatening my life. I grieved for what once was and what now would really and truly never ever be.

Beating myself up over not hating him when I should have, got me nowhere. It was actually my brother that got me to see that I was holding myself hostage and hindering my progress because I didn't believe I had the right to grieve... I thought he didn't deserve my grieving after he beat me to a pulp. But my perception was quite off, the grief wasn't for him, it was for me, to process all I had that I had lost and all I never would have.

The point of me sharing this with you guys?

There is no off switch, but you need to remember why you choose to walk away, and slowly but surely your heart will catch up with your head. Don't push it, don't fight it, don't berate yourself for it like I did.

Also! I wanted to agree that you guys are 100% right, they never change. Its more than 5 years later and I heard he still mistakes girlfriends for punching bags.

I thank God everyday my daughter gave me the push I needed to end it, and end it for real. Because today I have a wonderful bf who's taught me so much about being in a healthy, loving, equal partner relationship.
A bf who's a better man and a better role model for my daughter than her "father" ever was, a bf I would've never been with had I not walked away from that toxic mess I was in.