I don't know how to explain the state I've been stuck in for years other than to say that I don't really know what I want because nothing really excites or interests me anymore. I can make myself care about things in a logical way to a degree but not on an emotional level. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

For example, I spent the last about 7 months taking pre-med classes as a post-graduate student. I decided after graduation that I was going to pursue med school and carve out a more secure future for myself than I currently have, mostly because I thought maybe financial security and career success would make me feel happy and like I have a purpose again. I don't really care about learning anymore like I used to, and I don't get excited over getting good grades anymore. But on a logical level I know that if I get bad grades and screw up my GPA, there will never be any med school in my future in the event that I decide to find a reason to continue pursuing it, so I can make myself work for the grades. But there's no passion or enthusiasm in any of it. I'm just a robot going through the motions because it's what I'm "supposed" to do. It's the same for pretty much any other aspect of my life anymore. I'm just walking around on auto-pilot.

I haven't really been able to enjoy anything in a long time. Like three years ago, my dad went on a trip to Orlando with his girlfriend and let me tag along. We did a lot of the types of things that used to excite me like we went to Medieval Times and Universal Studios, and I was just so freaking bored the entire time. I thought forsure I would be super excited to see the (then) new Harry Potter theme park, but I was just like, "This is it? This is so dull. I'm bored. Why did I even like doing things like this as a teenager? There is nothing fun about this."

If someone asks me what I think about something, I don't know what to tell them because I don't really have an opinion on anything. Would I prefer a chicken sandwich or a salad? I dunno, anything to keep me from starving to death is fine. Do I think the red car or the black car is prettier? I don't care; they're both boring and stupid. What is my opinion on the news story that just broke? I don't know; nothing really matters anyway.

I'm afraid that I'm just stuck this way now. I feel like there's no point in doing anything. Nothing makes me feel excited. Everything is boring and disappointing. What's the point of even existing as a robot?