In a couple of days I will admit everything to my wife of 20 years. I am a fairly successful business man that has hidden my addiction from my wife, my three teenage kids, relatives, friends, and the same bunch of coworkers of 14 years. My wife is aware of my more than 16 year battle with depression/anxiety disorder. I have been taking either Celexa and Wellbutrin over those years following an attempted suicide (severe anxiety that came with a job promotion). My wife has always been against my marijuana use and knew that it was a large part of my life before our relationship. She believes that my use stopped years ago (she believed that my use back then to be rare). Because she and my children are against it, I hide my use by smoking while driving to and from places (errands, celebratory events, and now--work). I have a feeling that my kids suspect that I use, but I'm not sure. I have always been able to get high and 'function' at work and around others. I fear that my increasing reckless use may create a situation that jeopardizes my job, my marriage, my relationships with my kids, my reputation, my friendships, my health, and/or my life. Living in Colorado has made my poor attempts at quitting much more difficult because it is so easy to visit one of the fifty or so recreational dispensaries. Prior to legalization I was able to go weeks or months without weed, because it was a little more difficult to obtain. Over the years I have established connections with friends, relatives, and coworkers that are my pothead buddies.

I spent my K-12 years in homes that treated weed as a normal part of everyday life. I purposefully moved thousands of miles away from those family members because I recognized that I was weak to the temptations of drug use when everyone around me was getting high. My mom drank herself to death at the age of 57. My father is a severe alcoholic that is rapidly following that same path.

Here is what has pushed me to this critical point in my life. I decided to pursue my masters degree a couple of years ago. I started out successfully but I have failed 3 courses in the last two trimesters while lying to everyone that I am doing well. I was paralyzed and did nothing in the final weeks of the courses except get high. Paralyzed by the fear of failure and the belief that I can't do it. This is my second attempt at obtaining my masters degree. My first attempt was many years ago. I believe the pressure and memories that go with failing a second time has contributed greatly to the depression that contributes to my desire to get high.

This is my first admission of a need for help to anyone. I don't like this constant desire to escape from this stress.

Any advice is appreciated.