Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoaminoone
I feel as though I'm past the 'breaking' point. As though I'm lower than that. The last week in particular I've had to consciously deter myself from following through on suicide plans. Now...I feel like I don't even have the energy to bother with an attempt. The few people who have bothered to come around me in recent weeks have all disappeared. Even my husband (who is out of state for work) has quit speaking to me via text or calls. Last conversation with him I was trying to explain my depression and suicidal ideation....and he kept trying to stear the conversation to sex. Ultimately, we argued and he said he didn't give a damn how I was feeling I needed to "act like a f-n wife" or he would find someone that would. Guess he went looking....
I live in the country. No one comes out here. It's just my kids and I at this point. I force myself to go through the motions of caring for them, but...sometimes they go days without baths, sometimes the eat cereal for every meal...I know I'm being a really crappy mother. I can't take care of myself....how can I take care of them adequately?? I don't want to loose them...and at the same time I can't help but think they would be better off without me. They have been my only reason recently to not follow through on certain impulses...I absolutely did not want them finding me. Realistically, considering out location and lack of company, it would be days...or even weeks...before anyone else would notice anything out of place and find me. Since I don't have anyplace to send my kids...I guess I have to force myself to go through each day for them.
I don't know what my point is here, or if I even have one. I feel like I'm just rambling so I'll get off here.
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Please understand that you are not alone in feelings of isolation. You do have your children and they are there with you and need you.
I understand how it feels that sometimes you don't want to do the things that are needed when kids want something or there is something, like cooking, etc. you feel you have to do.
I too live in what was considered the country, but it has grown some over the years. I have no friends, my only family, a sister lives in another state and now, doesn't even answer my emails.
I have two dogs and a horse and sometimes my dogs will want something and I get aggravated with them, even though I know they don't understand how I am feeling. I start feeling guilty afterward because I love them and if I yelled at them it was not fair of me.
My animals are my saving grace so to speak, I love them dearly and would never hurt them in anyway. They are my only company and I know they love and depend on me.
The only time I actually see anyone is when I go to the store, which is not something I like to do, I've never been a person who liked to shop for anything.
I have found that I will talk to some of the store employees and make jokes with them, but then I go home and feel sooner or later start feeling like there is no one who cares enough to just talk to me.
In the past I have been asked by an acquiescence to do something, but I just can't seem to make myself.
I tell myself I will go and I know one day, if anyone ever asks again, I will go if for no other reason just to see how I feel about it.
When I get really depressed I try to think of someone to call and there is no one.
The one person who knows what's going on recently told me, over the phone after we talked, "I need to go, I'll talk to you sometime later in the week or next week.", I take that to mean don't call for awhile.
I'm doing my best to think differently and make myself feel better, because that's what it's all about.
Just remember you are not alone, I have learned there are more people than I would have thought who live in some form of isolation.
If you want to talk just send me a message and I'll be happy to listen.