well, in a few hours i'll see my pdoc.

then i'll see my individual t a bit later.

my t wants me to be honest about my suicidal ideation with pdoc. but i'm also nervous about my meeting with t because i sent him an email outlining my suicidal intentions. sometimes i struggle because i'm a 30something woman and he's seen me for a while and i've never been like this, but inside i feel like i'm 15 again and everyone's just going to shame me for feeling what feel and what i'm thinking (i was shamed for my depression as a teenager).

i'm afraid i'll end up hospitalized because i refuse to give an inch on the whole plan thing. so who knows? i'm just very tired, but i've tried to be honest with my t.

i was very certain of my plan up until last night. hubs sat and chatted with me (he doesn't know how certain i am). asked if maybe it would work for me to get away, just myself, for a week or two. i have family that have some money and let other family use their vacation spot for free. we technically can't afford the ticket but i suppose if it's suicide or a ticket or the hospital or a ticket, the ticket makes sense.

that's kind of got me less sure of my plan. but i'm still in a lot of pain and i'm worried it won't work out and then i'll be stuck and people will try to stop my plan. i know that sounds crazy.

i really want someone to have an answer today. i could use help. i just want someone to help me because i'm all out of steam