Hi there, I've posted in other parts of the forum before. I have PTSD, MDD, and Panic Disorder. I had been making great progress on recovery. I had discovered that my current place of work was a hugely triggering environment for me and was causing my issues to be highly exacerbated. I went on paid medical leave for 7 weeks and when I came back my employer was extremely hostile to me, so after a few days, I gave 6 weeks notice. (I am senior staff and a department head so generally giving a longer notice of resignation is standard to help with the transition and make sure projects get taken over appropriately, etc.)

As the 6 weeks have passed by, many very stressful things have happened at work to summarize, including the increased hostility from my employer. And while I report to the Executive Director (who is very insensitive and triggering), our COO and HR manager (one and the same) reminds me very much of my mother who abused me and basically caused all my issues. This woman is very passive aggressive and cruel. Whatever.

I've had lots of good job interviews and I expect a new job offer any day now. So I'm not super concerned about that, but having to make it through the next three weeks with my current employer, and with the way they are treating me (or at least the way I feel I'm being treated).

I hadn't slept in days. I have been avoiding sleep because of nightmares and because I only make it through a couple of hours of sleep at a time and then I don't even want to sleep because I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep.

Previously I had only self injured by picking at scabs and injuries that had been completely accidentally caused. But last night, I started by banging my head against the floor. Then punching myself. Then scratching my arms. Then I went to get a knife. I couldn't get it to draw blood without making a quick cutting motion, and I was worried that would cause too much damage, so I put it away. Then I found a corkscrew and used that to scratch at my arm and finally drew blood. I was in a trance really. Just tearing my skin up, watching the patterns of scratches on my arm. It felt good. It felt real.

And then I got very scared. I went into the chat rooms and chatted with some people there. I called my psychiatrist, and she told me I could go to the ER or if I could stay with a friend for the night. I chose to call a friend and see if I could stay with them for the night. I got a full night's sleep, but I pretty much feel numb this morning. I know I'll self injure again. It's just a matter of time today. I feel like I could go grab the corkscrew right now.

This is new and scary behavior from me. I don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm so angry with these people in my life and since I can't respond or hurt them, I'm hurting me to get the satisfaction. I don't know if that's really true, it's just a theory.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I don't understand this behavior. I'm guessing that some of you have more experience with this than I do. Any thoughts or sharing of your own experiences with self harm and why you do it, would be helpful. If I can just understand why I'm doing it, I think I can redirect myself. But I just don't understand it. It's like it wasn't me doing it. I don't know if that makes sense.

For the record, I regularly see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am on paxil, prozac, xanax, klonopin, and yaz (For PMDD). So I'm not untreated or anything like that.

Thanks for listening.

Seesaw