My day at work was so hard today. I was all over the place emotionally. It happens a lot and is so exhausting!

Today I was angry and withdrawn early on. I'm angry at my employer for drastically changing our health insurance--we might as well not even have any now with a $3,000.00 deductible. Before this we had a choice between an HMO or a PPO. I don't have cash for medical expenses. I feel like my employer doesn't care and I worry so much about getting sick! I was sick and had major abdominal surgery last summer; thank goodness it happened then, but it happened out of the blue and what if something like that happens again?!

I was also very preoccupied with something but didn't know what. I just could not "be there". When someone talked to me it was as if they were miles away; I couldn't focus or comprehend without an extreme amount of concentration and only briefly. I pissed off several people because of it. I did my best but it was so hard. I had to get up and pace a lot, delivering folders of work sporadiacally as an excuse to be up from my desk, restroom breaks, etc. I felt like I was on a fence between being there, in the present.. and being somewhere else. In my head, I guess. This fogginess and the anxiety and distress that come with it are what I call my 'falling apart'.

While I worked today, I planned to drop out and never use the computer again so I wouldn't be a bother to people, quit my job by just walking out, pack up me and my cat and move to who knows where, I had conversations with my T , planned my worldly 'exit' and the note I would leave to make sure my cat would be taken care of, ruminated about childhood issues, worried about a connection I have with someone on another site and was feeling abandonment. I had 4 or 5 good cries in the restroom. I wanted to come home so badly but I couldn't. Wanted to call my T but no privacy to talk and don't even know if she was there.

This isn't an unusual day for me but I hadn't had that fogginess for a while. It's like a mental running away, is what it feels like. Is this some kind of dissociating, do you know?

It was late afternoon when it finally occurred to me that I was feeling extreme jealousy as well as abandonment. When I could see that, I started to calm down some.

I really wish I had my T to talk with... right when these times happen. I wrote some about it after work, but when I calm down and the intensity lessens, I tend to minimize it or diminish it and. I do it in session too, because when I don't want to sound like a 'drama queen'. lol

How do you keep going and still work on things? I feel like I'm in a million scattered pieces and don't know where to start or how to keep on in the state I'm in.

How do you get things out in therapy without holding back? Why do we hold back? Is it trust? Shame? Worried about judgement or looking bad?