One of the things that happens with me is, periodically I'll suddenly & for no apparent reason, feel GOOD! I guess I'm kind-of there right now. It's nice when it happens, I guess. But, at the same time, when I suddenly find myself in this place, I look around & see all of the devastation my life has wrought & I think: "oh my god... how did this all happen?" It's sort-of like suddenly finding oneself on top of a hill where one can see for miles after one has been trudging through thick undergrowth for days & days.