Couples counseling is an option and we've discussed it, but It will only work if everyone cooperates and is 100% honest, and I don't think he will be. He knows how to say all the things I want to hear to end the conversation. Leaving seems like an easy decision, but I believe In marriage and the vows I made. For better or for worse till death do us part. If I leave I'm breaking my vows too. Also I can't live without him. I'm sure people say that all the time, but I honestly don't know how. I'm honestly only staying alive at this point because I can't leave my dogs. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I try to trick myself sometimes- saying it's not true- everything's fine, that we are the couple everyone wishes they were. On the surface we are. Everyone tells us we are made for each other and loves us as a couple. And where am I supposed to go? I have nothing to my name, I can't quit my job and take off... I could go on, but I think the point was made.
The instance Happened over a year ago while I was on bed rest going through a tubal pregnancy ( yes it was his). He apologized and said he felt horrible, and I tried to get over it, but it's as enough that he did it let alone while I was miscarrying his first child. It's just gotten worse since then and now I don't believe a word he says. Even if it's 100% varifiable. Every time he gets on his phone, every time he goes in the bathroom, every time I leave the house. (I have a job. He is self employed) I wonder what he's doing, who he's tLking to, where he goes when I'm not around. My heart is so shattered. I don't want to feel this way, but if I leave the feeling won't go away only he will. Also every time I start to leave he pulls his gun out and threatens to kill himself. If he does, I could never live with myself.