I met my neighbor in the drive. She asked how i am and I lost it, and let her hold me sobbing in the rain.

I.feel physically like I am wearing heavy garments, motorcycle leathers or armor and just want to wiggle out. Its physically tiring to hold my defenses on.

I want to throw down all my weapons and resume my fair form.

I shivered for hours in hospital. I had to. Id wake frozen with fear. I'd shiver it down.
I.dreamed I tied on my karate gi jacket but I tied it on right over left, for burial.

I do this Persephone thing just about every July, this death and resurrection, this horror. Its not depression. Its horror. I feel horror. It feels like a truck ran through my middle.
Prozac is keeping me on my feet. Its giving me some backbone. I feel náusea. I wake paralysed with fear. I shake it down until I.am exhausted. Its not protocol but I dont know what eles to do. Its kind of like childbirth though. Mother Nature is a great teacher.

Im afraid. I dont mind saying it. Im trying to fall apart nice and easy, like slipping out of soft clothes, trying not to resist. Roll through and bounce back. I know this process so well it should be easy but it never is.

Ive asked my son to come out. I dont have to be alone anymore.

I know im disjointed. Im dissociative and psychotic, a little, may drive to hospital later just to hang out. Just to be safe.