Teacake, you write so poignantly, dare I even say "beautifully" in a way, about your history and experiences, and you are so cognizant of what is happening to you, why, and how it plays out. Yet like all of us, you are powerless to stop or really control it, by and large. I think that speaks to the fundamental nature of the beast, emotion running roughshod over reason. This is the state of "acute self-awareness" mentioned in that one link.

I wish I had something to offer you. I am sorry the anniversary date brings you to this state. Please be safe.