On Thursday, the intention is for my T and I to start talking about my childhood. Which consisted of abuse, and quite a few traumatic experiences. I am nervous, I just don't even know where or how to start. I know she will guide me, she's good at that, but I'm nervous about bringing up all this old stuff. But, it it all this old stuff that turned me into who I am today. A person who needs work.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how I'll react to reliving these memories, I've never zoned out in session, but I can see it happening. I tend to do that when I'm trying to avoid something. How does your T handle that? It's not as though they can snap their fingers and bring us back to life, I don't think. I've not had extremely uncomfortable discussions with my T yet....but that is starting on Thursday.

I can't say I understand how talking about it is gonna make it go away, I know I am who I am partially because of how I was raised. I was raised in a "dont cry or I'll give you something to cry about" and "children are to be seen and not heard" environment. So crying is something I try to avoid, and I also am not very vocal, and definitely don't stick up for myself or voice my opinions. Basically, I'm a door mat.

So, I'm nervous about Thursday, I trust my T and believe there couldn't be a better match out there for me than her, but I don't want to break down, I don't want to zone out.... I don't want to see how she reacts to either of those things. I don't KNOW how she'll react. I know she has a very calming influence on me, and she gives great hugs at the end of each session.... but breaking down. Jeez. I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold back. Sometimes the things she tells me about myself have me close to that point. I swear she knows me better than I know myself.

Just nervous for Thursday.