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Have you ever been asked the question of 'what are your dreams?' and answered it with things such as: family, kids and a nice house, when deep down you really feel nothing.
Part of me feels like these are societies expected answers. At times I feel a desire for these things but it is always short lived, I can dream them, but I don't know if I want them to become a reality.
I am struggling with understanding myself, I have always felt different from everyone else, I feel as though I am trapped in a younger version of myself and am struggling to appear as an adult when all I feel like is a child who just wants to belong.
It is diffucult to relate to people and i feel as though I am in an exhausting battle to live each day and handle the expectations that comes with being an adult. I am in a constant search for a place of belonging. I have felt an emptiness within for many years that is slowly growing. The world scares me, I do not trust or ever see myself trusting others, for I don't even fully trust myself. I long for an attachment with someone special but also fear that very thing. I fear a life of loneliness but also feel engulfment in the presence of others.
People scare me, I feel like they can see through my outward appearance to the true me and are laughing at me. I feel worthless, ugly and like I wasn't meant to be. I am not capable of anything apart from what I envision in my dreams, but that is all they will be is dreams.
I don't know why I feel this way, I have tried for so long to find the real me, but how can you do that when you do not know who or what to begin to look for.
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