I know what you mean about being traumatized. When I was first dx as bp2 with bpd.anxiety and depression from the bp I was so ashamed. I had managed to ruin my credit, was hyper sexual and didn't care. I would date people back to back and have one night stands. Many of my friendships ended but some of them weren't worthy of my love anyways...they were people who took advantage of me.

My self worth was in the toilet. I.had lost tons of jobs because of my instability...I was very suicidal by the time I was dx that it's amazing that I'm alive. I remember thinking like a god. As if everyone liked me and no one would ever have as much power as me. I was dx originally in 2004 and have had plenty of episodes since then but none of them were as bad as that first one. Thankfully I stopped being hyper sexual and I've regained some self esteem from being that way. It's important to forgive yourself yes but I've struggled with that one character defect I had in the past. I just didn't give a **** what happened to me.

I'm glad for today cause now I know when I feel an episode coming on. I still feel the sting of the past but not as much. I sometimes wish I could have had more control but I know I was just sick.

I've just came out of a hypomanic episode and I feel really embarrassed because I convinced everyone that I was going to have a baby. Even tho my tubes are tied...even tho I'm not stable enough...even tho I'd have to go off all my meds. I told my daughter of my plans and I made an appt to have an ivf which I thought I could pay the ten grand to have it done. I honestly convinced myself that I was going to do this. Magical thinking then crashed into a week long depression. This bp stinks but at least I seek help for it. That is the gift I give myself today...I practice mindfulness and can self soothe my anxiety. So I completely agree with you that with bp comes trauma. I hope that you are doing good these days.