So the current plan is that I’m talking to LCM tomorrow. She doesn’t usually cancel two weeks in a row, but she can be somewhat unpredictable. I haven’t talked to her since July 2nd and I guess I’m a little frustrated because I needed her really badly last week but she was unavailable because she was going through something emotionally difficult. I know she’s going through a lot right now. I only know a little bit of it. I know that her job doesn’t exist anymore. She wasn’t fired. The inpatient program was bought out. And I feel bad for feeling upset that she was unable to talk to me.

I have a laundry list of things I could/should talk to her about. But I probably will end up just talking about nothing because I can’t seem to get myself to talk about anything real until the last 15 mins of a session. But I’ll make a list of things going on here so I’m at least organized about what the possibilities are. I don’t know what is the most important to talk about.

• My father’s birthday was sometime last week. I don’t know what day it was. I was triggered and upset all week. I had awful body memories, an increase in nightmares, I think I dissociated during a rehearsal but all I remember is thinking that I was distant and the timing was super inconvenient. I don’t remember what happened to cause it or how I handled it. My urges to self-harm have dramatically increased.
  
• I can’t stop thinking about drinking. Being drunk is a lot more enjoyable than being sober because I’m happy and not scared of people and things. When I’m sober, I just think about either drinking, self harm, or suicide. Passively. I don’t really know why the sui thoughts are happening again. They aren’t nearly as serious. I dream about committing suicide. I catch myself simultaneously romanticizing and/or sexualizing the idea all the time and I have no idea why.
  
• I’ve been having upsetting dreams again. They had been better and now they are worse except they aren’t flashback type dreams. I had one that LCM was abandoning me. Two that I slept through a performance. And one last night that I guess was a sex dream but sex dreams for me are always voyeuristic or they are not consensual. This one certainly wasn’t voyeuristic but the consent had a lot of gray area. I was pretty scared in it despite nothing ending up happening. But I really struggle to tell her anything about sex.
  
• My roommate is really annoying me because she’s ugly and boring and yet manages to have a boyfriend. Granted he is also ugly and boring but they are a perfectly matched ugly and boring couple. I’m fat but I don’t think I’m ugly. And I’m certainly not boring. I know I’m too scattered and confused emotionally/sexually to be in a relationship but her existence still annoys me anyway. And I feel bad for disliking her for literally no real reason beyond a petty judge of appearance and the fact that the only things she talks about is viola, laundry, and golf.
  
• I feel embarrassed to have a crush on the boy that I do because he is so far out of my league. Last Saturday, our friends started to make fun of him, saying that he dresses and acts like “a dad” which makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. After he had a few drinks, he said he wants to marry his girlfriend and I feel stupid about caring about that.

So I have a lot of stuff I could talk about and I have no idea where to start, what is important, or how much I’ll be able to get myself to say. A lot of things I don’t really know what is directly causing the problems. I can make a guess, but I really don’t know. And I really don’t want my dad’s birthday to be the root of all of it because I really don’t want to think or talk about him but I suspect it is because everything I listed above had a very strong sexual element to all of it and I just don’t want to deal with that. But I also don’t want to just whine about the weather with LCM or even more likely, talk about our relationship and the stressed out feelings I’ve been having about her. Because I know I make up drama between her and I to keep myself preoccupied thinking about something troubling that is less troubling than the real problems.

I don’t know where to start. Any suggestions? I’m talking to her over the phone and I can’t print this out and give it to her. I could read it, but that would be really hard. And I don't want to overwhelm her by giving her a taste of most everything. I left out some stuff. Mostly the good things. There have been some.