I am so sorry honey. I lost my father too, and it is something you never really get over. I loved my father more than I have ever loved anyone. He died three years ago. I can't deal with it sometimes either. Sometimes I miss him so much I think I want to die so I can be with him again. We have to be strong and get through this. Your father would want you to be happy. His alcoholism wasn't your fault no matter how much you think it is. Just try to replace the sorrow in your heart with joy. Every time you feel happy, picture your father smiling down on you because I believe he is.