hey there. i think i understand where you are coming from - partly at least. i am susceptible to fairly intense transference feelings too and i feel really embarrassed and ashamed about feeling that way.

sometimes i get the urge to run. mostly because when i've cared about people in the past they have hurt me. and then... because i've been so scared i've pushed them away or somehow or other hurt them. so i have a lot of stuff around how it is unsafe for both others and for myself for me to care about anybody. i'm hoping that therapy will help me with that, however, so that i can have healthier relationships.

some therapists really aren't equipped to deal with transference responses especially if they are intense. on the other hand, some therapists are equipped to deal with transference responses and working through a transference response really can be very theraputic with respect to developing healthier relationships outside therapy.

because there is only one way to find out... it is important to share some of your feelings for your therapist with your therapist. because some therapists aren't willing / able to deal with it... it is important to share those feelings very gradually and assess how they respond to little disclosures (IMHO). for me... it is part of taking care of yourself. if she responds well... then you can take bigger risks by disclosing more over time. the process does take time, however.

i think that you have a lot of insight into what is going on. if you were to work with someone else then the situation would likely recurr. that your feelings for her are part of a repeated pattern of interrelating that you have and that your feelings for her are significantly coloured by your past experiences.

as for rational mind... well... i think there is indeed a place for rational mind. the superego can be a bit harsh / critical at times, however, and sometimes the id just needs a chance to be... to express itself... sometimes it isn't the rational understanding that is theraputic but the emotional responsiveness of another. i hope that you find the strength / courage to return to therapy soon... please don't pressure yourself too much... little risks...

something like 'sometimes i feel like i want to run away because i feel like i need you and that is scary'. then see how she responds to that... little disclosures then assessments of how that went.