I know what your going through. And I definitely think that you need to see a therapist. You're number 1 concern has to be getting you well. If you don't take care of you first, how can you take care of anyone else? You have to learn how to deal with the things from your past, and the things in your present and future. They will teach you coping skills that you need to live a happy, healthy life. And the money will be well worth it. It's your mental health. It's just as important as your physical health. You sound a lot like me. So if you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message. I'd be happy to talk anytime.