I havent figured out how to forgive and trust again myself and

I understand your pain.

Your gut is probably right and just breaking it off seems impossible.

Focus on yourself in every way. Mentally seek counseling. Work on goals.
Gain confidence. Allow yourself to be more and more occupied with yourself, your own needs and wants.
Tell yourself whats done is done and now you need to heal and take care of yourself. Relationship is on the back burner for now.
Dont talk about it anymore. Focus on letting it go.

Not for him or to save the relationship , but for yourself.

He made that choice. Nothing can undue it.
Lighten the emotional weight little by little.
Creating distance and becoming more and more independent is important so that when the time comes you will feel much stronger and confident about your decision and leaving him will no longer feel impossible.

My heart goes out to you