You have been allowing your emotional mind to be in control rather than allowing your logical mind to talk to you about what happened.

I also know that a lot of times when people do have some guilt.....it's hard to let go because other than the memories that you have you wouldn't really have many & sometimes we hold onto the negative memories rather than to have NO memories at all.

I struggle with anger feelings toward my mother who died at about the same time as your dad. She blew off her cancer that was totally obvious but she excused it away as a cyst until the tumor was the size of my fist & it was stage 4 & because of the way she handled herself, I blame her for the trauma I went through with her home care person I ended up having to protect her from......I had so much anger toward my mother that honestly I never felt grief. It's taken me the last 5 years of therapy to work on processing that anger & all the damage the trauma caused me.

I know that the hospice care had grief councelling at the time I went through my mother's death, but they couldn't help with the trauma issues. I truly believe that it takes having a good therapist/psychologist to be able to work through the thinking that is involved when it's our emotional thinking that has ended up in control rather than allowing the logical mind to do the processing of their death.......& it's the processing through therapy that brings up the logical thinking & the ability to put our thoughts into perspective & into reality.