I sent a new counselor I am planning on seeing this Friday an email describing all of my issues. I am incredibly anxious about it because there were one issue that I don't even talk about on here. It ended up being a long email. Though I guess that is just something adding onto the anxiety.

I've been waking up these days feeling like I've been rejected by the world. That no one likes me. Everyone despises me. I've started overdosing on an old medication I had to cope. It gives me an intoxicated feel. I usually end up stumbling around.

It just seems that my life with socializing with people is just repeating itself over and over. Again and again. I can see when I am going to be rejected by someone at this point. It doesn't hurt as bad as the first few times. I've learned that pretty much everyone will reject me at one point or another. It seems like people are very fickle these days and will easily abandon people. Then they wonder and are flabbergasted why schools get shot up. They try to put reason to it but really I think some people just get tired of being constantly **** on while trying to reach out to others.

I am constantly being **** on and that is the thing I am anxious about. I told the counselor I have a lot of homicidal thoughts. Which I do. It's probably better to try and seek help for them then to keep bottling them in like I have been doing. Constantly biting my tongue about what I truly feel. Suppressing urges.

She will probably reject me. Along with telling me I should commit myself into a mental health ward.

It's more like I am sure to be rejected because that is what people do.

Instead of helping someone who admits they are having bad thoughts they will reject them instead. Which helps increase the amount of bad thoughts they have because they are, -again-, being rejected by society.

Isolation is a curse. Some people like to say they are isolated. A lot of people actually aren't truly isolated. I guess it would be silly sounding to state I am truly isolated. I feel like it though. I am afraid to go out of the house. When I do go out I feel rejected by people. I go online to try and socialize. Again I get rejected.

I can't seem to win.