I guess you are right. Can be hard to see it from my perspective at times but yes some of the staff are very good.

Been allocated a new named nurse who despite being one of those regimented jobs worth types... And is a little intimidating... Could be potentionally a good pairing. She is consistent, straight to the point and has already set into plan a number of things that should give me some security, ability to talk and less likely to withdraw.

Has made it so that I am to talk to specified staff that she has chosen that will all be on the same page regarding my care plan and lessen the contradictory help I've received prior that was triggering me. Every shift (with her it will be longer) - morning, late, night - one of those specified staff will talk to me for 15 minutes to gauge my mood and allow me to talk/vent etc.

Re: cutting - she has given me a note pad and when I want to cut or feel suicdal, I am to write down what I am thinking/feeling. She does not want to remove cutting material from me... Rather use the above alternative to pour out my frustration/self hate/panic/random urges.

She wants me to use my ear phones to listen to music as much as possible to drown out the triggers of noise stimulous.

She hates people swearing which as a rule I don't verbally but I did warn her that some of my writing will be littered with it when I am irrational/angry. She said that will be fine... Just doesn't like hearing it.

My wife was in on this meeting and immediately took to her in a positive way.

On a totally different topic - the problem with being unable to pee. My appointment for an investigation of what was stopping me was today. I had a bath before hand..... And I peed for the first time unaided in 3 weeks... Ironic, yet amazing and a relief at the same time.

Still had to go for the appointment though and the urology consultant insisted on putting a camera up there to make sure everything was ok. Used a local anesthetic (awake during it) so got to watch the screen as it went up... Turned out everything was ok and he believes that my inability was a direct result of the medication I was first put on.

When the anesthetic wore off though... Pain is an understatement. I am used to self catheterising but this camera was thicker and more rigid so yeah... Felt like I'd been kicked in the nads.

One less thing to worry about though and I've had two pees since which has been a wonderful experience.

Might sound odd... But when you've had to self catheterise or wear one for a long period of time... To suddenly not have to is amazing.