First let me say, that I appreciate all the coping techniques that everyone has suggested but I'm wondering if anyone can identify with me and just tell me I'm not alone. I have had PTSD, MDD, and Panic Disorder probably since I was a child. I'm 34 and two days ago was my first incidence of cutting. I do have a history of self injury by picking at scabs and reopening scars and digging out moles on my skin. My therapist has referred to my cutting as dissociative episodes. I thought initially that once I identified the trigger that pushed me that far, that I could avoid it. I do understand the trigger, but it's not just the trigger that's causing it.

I've now cut multiple times over the past two days. My left arm is covered in bandages. I don't really look at it as cutting. It's more like carving. I'm an artist and I've been trying to portray the pain I feel through my art, to me, in a way, the cutting is actually taking my art to the next step and carving the pain into my body so that the people causing it can't ignore it. Can anyone identify with that?

I thought, if this isn't just about the anxiety trigger, and it is about the artwork, then maybe I can, instead of actually harming myself, find a way to actually paint the injuries onto my body so they look real and I can get the same affect I want, but it won't be real, and I won't be hurting myself. I do like the feeling of the blade in my skin though. It's like my breathing slows down and the anxiety drains out. I feel calm.

I do know this is a dangerous game I'm playing. I'm well aware I need to stop and need better coping mechanisms, but right now I'm just trying to understand my cutting. Please can anyone identify with me and share their story of why they cut, their struggles, and how they've moved past it?

Has anyone identified their cutting with an artistic outlet?

Please don't judge me. And thanks for your support.

Seesaw