I have ptsd. My husband tried to kill me, was abusive for a long time but he is in a mental hospital and was just transferred to another hospital kinda far away. I am struggling. I've been in the hospital a couple times lately mainly because of the anxiety. I have heart problems and the anxiety is making it worse. I've had severe panic attacks that cause my heart rate to go up and the last time I don't remember anything the first couple days of being in the hospital. I am taking Zoloft and klonopin but I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle and I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's normal but when I take the klonopin it does make me feel calmer but it's like it makes me think about the abuse, all the bad memories, non stop and I cry constantly and I absolutely cannot control the tears when this happens. On the other hand if I do not take the medicine I am very anxious and jumpy BUT I am able to work and function better. The bad think is I am a workaholic and I work too much to block out the memories. I feel so frustrated because I don't know what I should do. When I take my medicine I can't even be around other people because I cry so much. I've tried other anxiety meds like Xanax but it does the same thing. I have been to therapy but I am still unable to trust a therapist enough to talk, it makes me even more frustrated and angry with myself. Lately, I have felt ALOT of anger toward myself because I am not able to keep myself under control. I feel like no one understands. A couple friends keep telling me that I don't need to be scared, etc...they love me and are trying to help but I can't make them understand how this is. It's not just like I'm thinking about the past. This is intrusive uncontrollable feelings and sensations that occur whether I want it to or not. I close my eyes and see it. Everything reminds me and I have to experience it over and over constantly. It is exhausting. I cannot make it stop. I sleep in 5 -10 minute intervals, every time I close my eyes I feel that pain over and over. I'm so tired. I don't know if there is a way out of this!!